The goal today is to let him be in charge. The thing is today is going to be a long day. We have to be at a soccer game by 8am, an hour away from the house. It is FREEZING outside and I am not a morning person. NOTHING about me is feeling positive or happy or loving today and to top it off I started my period last night. (and remember, on top of today’s goal I am determined to also be positive!)—OH my what was I thinking—oh well here goes. We somehow make it all up and out on time, the ride there is kinda quiet. I find myself biting my tongue to not bark out the orders for the day. Each time he asks something about today’s plan I say “I am not sure, what do you think?” This is extremely hard; I am the scheduler of this family. I plan everything. To add to the weirdness, I decide to try to hold his hand as we drive down the interstate, its almost funny, his reaction. He looks at me like he is shocked that I have grabbed his hand. The moment is awkward and only lasts a few seconds before I find myself pulling back. BUT hey it was a touch. I then put my hand on his hand and just let it rest there, this is much more comfortable, baby steps are most certainly needed here. By lunch time the day is going pretty good. We survive the early morning game and even enjoy a family lunch, with no arguments. He manages to pick a place that we all enjoy. At lunch he mentions the local museum and the kids get excited. Then it starts to crumble. It seems we had decided to go to the museum and yet my husband now has decided (alone and in private) he wants to hurry home to go to his parents. The youngest starts crying and that leads to an argument. The situation goes from bad, to worst. I will save you all of the fighting details, but we end up at the museum as planned. Needless to say, NOT without tons of ugliness being said… I have no desire to touch him anymore or to be nice. My plan for today has been spoiled—I failed. I will simply have to decide IF I want to try again tomorrow.
Once I get home I retreat to rethink about today and wonder how it could have been handled differently. It is so hard with kids involved. This relationship is no longer about just me and him. Yet to make it work, right now, I have to focus on me and him. I wonder if it can be fixed….. I wonder IF I want to fix it. I know I should want to, but what if I don’t. I went to bed with a lot on my mind. …….
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