Decisions.......

I have not signed in in a few days out of pure confusion. I have been trying so hard to save this marriage and now i sit here wondering why. I got to be honest with you guys and myself and take a little time to step back and figure out if this is worth the effort.
I do love my husband (well the man i married all those years ago) but the last 3 to 4 years have been rough for us. We have both done and said things to each other that continue to linger in my head (and heart). I keep thinking I am ready to forgive him and him me... but then it never seems to fail in a fight the past is brought up over and over again.
In the past few weeks I have tried to be positive but I keep finding things about him that I hate! He now cusses like a sailor and does this even infront of (and toward) our kids. He spends his days off sleeping the day away (is NO help around the house), he spends money (that we do not have) on stupid stuff with no consideration of whether the bills are paid or not, his temper is out of control- its like walking on eggshells all the time when with him. This is NOT the man I married.

So I am going to take a few days off from the 30 days- i have some decisions to make.

Chris Young - Tomorrow

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Day 7 (well 6 of goals): Nov 7, 2011

After a day of almost complete avoidance of each other and a good nights rest I am here at the computer and have decided to try this again…. Not really sure why or if the decision will last. But, I awoke to a text from him this morning that read “I am here at work. I hope we can figure out how to be us again. I love u and know u love me. Am just tired of feeling lonely all the time. Have a good day.”

Now I do not know where this came from or why he sent it and I really do not know how I feel about it at all, but maybe, just maybe I was ready to throw in the towel too soon. Tonight, I am going to be positive and see where that goes. Not too much a goal, but its all I have the energy for today. Let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Day 6: Nov 6, 2011

Well after a long day on Day 5, as ugly as it may seem I simply can not bring myself to put forth the effort that is needed to try to "mend" this relationship today and apparently neither can he. We are doing our own thing today. I am headed to soccer with my oldest and he is headed to his parents with our youngest. Its not at all how i saw this weekend going, but hey at least I will have some peace of mind today.

As I sit at the soccer field and watch my oldest score a goal (YAY!!) I begin to wonder why I continue to try to make this work. Are relationships really this hard? What happened to the love I see in the movies? If this were a movie, wouldn't he have surprised me by actually showing up at the game.. refusing to let yesterdays fight drag out!

At 34 yr old I am coming to realize that there is no fairy tale. Life is a roller coaster and sometimes people fall off. Today I think I best sit out the ride, for with my luck today at the top of the hill I would be sent flying out of my seat. Maybe tomorrow I will try again, maybe I won't... I honestly do not know at this point. Today I am going to focus on celebrating with my oldest.. he got a goal AND a head butt in the game.

Tonight we will cook his all time favorite dinner--- SHEPPARDS PIE! So Day 6: Do something he enjoys with him = CANCELED.

Day 5: Nov 5, 2011

The goal today is to let him be in charge. The thing is today is going to be a long day. We have to be at a soccer game by 8am, an hour away from the house. It is FREEZING outside and I am not a morning person. NOTHING about me is feeling positive or happy or loving today and to top it off I started my period last night. (and remember, on top of today’s goal I am determined to also be positive!)—OH my what was I thinking—oh well here goes. We somehow make it all up and out on time, the ride there is kinda quiet. I find myself biting my tongue to not bark out the orders for the day. Each time he asks something about today’s plan I say “I am not sure, what do you think?” This is extremely hard; I am the scheduler of this family. I plan everything. To add to the weirdness, I decide to try to hold his hand as we drive down the interstate, its almost funny, his reaction. He looks at me like he is shocked that I have grabbed his hand. The moment is awkward and only lasts a few seconds before I find myself pulling back. BUT hey it was a touch. I then put my hand on his hand and just let it rest there, this is much more comfortable, baby steps are most certainly needed here. By lunch time the day is going pretty good. We survive the early morning game and even enjoy a family lunch, with no arguments. He manages to pick a place that we all enjoy. At lunch he mentions the local museum and the kids get excited. Then it starts to crumble. It seems we had decided to go to the museum and yet my husband now has decided (alone and in private) he wants to hurry home to go to his parents. The youngest starts crying and that leads to an argument. The situation goes from bad, to worst. I will save you all of the fighting details, but we end up at the museum as planned. Needless to say, NOT without tons of ugliness being said… I have no desire to touch him anymore or to be nice. My plan for today has been spoiled—I failed. I will simply have to decide IF I want to try again tomorrow. 

Once I get home I retreat to rethink about today and wonder how it could have been handled differently. It is so hard with kids involved. This relationship is no longer about just me and him. Yet to make it work, right now, I have to focus on me and him. I wonder if it can be fixed….. I wonder IF I want to fix it. I know I should want to, but what if I don’t. I went to bed with a lot on my mind. …….

Day 4: Nov 4, 2011

Today I am going to touch my husband as much as possible and see if this gets any response from him. I start by making it a point to brush by him, to touch his arm as I talk to him, … its funny because touching your spouse should not be this hard.. but I find it awkward and difficult. But as weird as it may be for me and for him, I continue. The evening is spent at home with the kids. I find him giving me looks as if he is trying to figure out what is going on with me. I just smile and try to act like my touches are completely natural (because after all, they SHOULD be, right?) We all go to be early and I honestly see no changes. I will try to carry the touch over into tomorrow’s goal: Let him be in charge.

Update on Days 4, 5, and 6 (Nov 4- 6, 2011)

It is Friday and that means I will have all weekend at home with my husband and kids. I have done some research and here is my plan for the next 3 days.

Day 4: Researching online says that one should increase touching when feeling disconnected, so tonight I will make it a point to touch every chance I get. (and i am not talking nasty.. I mean a hug, a touch on the back, a brush as I walk by).

Day 5: It says that letting them know you trust them... so since we will be out of town at a soccer game, I am going to put all decisions in his hands. This will be extremely hard for me. BUT I am going to do it.. follow his lead. :)

Day 6: It says try doing something he enjoys with him. He recently has started trying to get back into shape by walking each day, I will join him on his walk. :)

These are all baby steps but so far I feel like I am learning alot already. I will write back Monday to update how its going. It is important to note............ YES I am continueing to work on ME being positive, on top of all the other goals. :) Have a GREAT weekend, I plan to!!!

Day 3: Nov 3, 2011

The being positive goal continues. I woke up this morning, late and with a sick baby so today is off to a bad start already but I tell myself that I will find a way to be positive. I have much thought into this and have decided that this particular goal needs to be applied not only to my marriage but to my life in general. When making myself be positive I noticed how negative I had become. So today, I will only point out the good stuff. Its funny but I notice immediately that my oldest son responds by helping out when I say to him, Thanks for helping your brother with breakfast.. this is instead of my usual- “ whats taking so long, your making us late!”. I even get a “ love ya mom” as he heads to the bus. As the day progresses I notice that being positive is getting easier and easier and that my stress level seems to have decreased. It seems that being positive truly affects every aspect of my life. J I am in such a good mood that I decide to go an extra step. I get my hubby a just because card and leave it on the counter as we head out for soccer. To my surprise, when he gets home I get a “hurry home I miss you text”. He never mentions the card, but it is open and on his dresser. Again my day ends with a kiss and we even somehow find our way to the middle of the bed, instead out separate sides for the night. J Positive is good!

Nov 2, 2011

Todays research has led me to try : Overlooking the negative and finding the positive today. The research shows that too often in relationships, as time passes we dwell on what they don’t do, instead of what they do, do. Yesterday on my ride home I had came to this conclusion so when I researched it I felt it fit.

I, again get home before he does and I have it clear in my mind that I will NOT be negative tonight. I will find a positive in every situation.  When he gets home, the task at first seems easy. How nice he looks, he is smiling, playing with the kids. But as the night goes on, it becomes harder to be positive: doesn’t he know it’s a school night? Can’t he see our youngest needs a bath? Our daughter has not finished her homework! Couldn’t he offer to help with the dishes? The negative continues to “creep” in and I find myself constantly biting my tongue, stopping in mid sentence. WOW, who have I become? I am a nag! When did I lose the fun side of me? When did I become so serious? Its only day 2 and I am already seeing that I am a hard person to live with. … This started off about him and is becoming 90% about me. All the negative I see, IF I stop and look close enough, there is a positive. Look how great of a Daddy he is, he really loves playing with the kids. He is right where he wants to be when he is in the middle of our living room floor playing with them. Yeah, I am stuck in the kitchen BUT when I ask for help, he jumps right up. I think I will spend one more day on this not being negative goal. Yeah this one is hard for me to swallow and even harder for me to do. Day 3.. here me and my positive outlook come!!!

Day 1: Nov 1, 2011

After lots of research online into rebuilding a relationship I have decided my first day’s goal is to compliment my husband. I have to admit, at first this seemed to be an easy enough task, but as I drive home and am planning what to do.. I realize, the last few years I have failed to ever compliment him. Wow how did I get to the point that it is hard to find something about my husband that I find attractive? As I drive I begin to really think about this and realize that maybe it’s not that there is nothing but that I have made it a habit to concentrate on the negative. I start thinking back to when I met him. I loved how silly he was and how he could always make me laugh. I loved his sense of style and the fact that he worked so hard to be healthy and that making me and the kids happy was his priority. I remember how he would push the kids on the tire swing for hours in the back yard. As I am thinking back I find myself smiling. There is hope of us being happy again, I JUST know it!

I get home before he does. I cook supper and wait for him. When he gets home, he is tired from his first day at the new job. I make it a point to tell him how nice the uniform looks on him, and he smiles. A real genuine smile….. OK this complimenting thing does work. Throughout the evening I find a few other ways to compliment and as I do I find him doing the same. It’s a nice evening, it’s nice to be nice and to be treated nice. I have enjoyed an evening at home for the first time in a long time. I even get a night kiss before bed. On to Day 2.

Introduction

I am in my 7^th year of marriage and looking for someway to feel more connected to my husband. Lately we seem more like roommates than lovers. I have decided to dedicate the next 30 days to making us better/ stronger.

This is my search to find the man I fell in love with and the woman that I used to be.