Decisions.......

I have not signed in in a few days out of pure confusion. I have been trying so hard to save this marriage and now i sit here wondering why. I got to be honest with you guys and myself and take a little time to step back and figure out if this is worth the effort.
I do love my husband (well the man i married all those years ago) but the last 3 to 4 years have been rough for us. We have both done and said things to each other that continue to linger in my head (and heart). I keep thinking I am ready to forgive him and him me... but then it never seems to fail in a fight the past is brought up over and over again.
In the past few weeks I have tried to be positive but I keep finding things about him that I hate! He now cusses like a sailor and does this even infront of (and toward) our kids. He spends his days off sleeping the day away (is NO help around the house), he spends money (that we do not have) on stupid stuff with no consideration of whether the bills are paid or not, his temper is out of control- its like walking on eggshells all the time when with him. This is NOT the man I married.

So I am going to take a few days off from the 30 days- i have some decisions to make.

Chris Young - Tomorrow

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Day 7 (well 6 of goals): Nov 7, 2011

After a day of almost complete avoidance of each other and a good nights rest I am here at the computer and have decided to try this again…. Not really sure why or if the decision will last. But, I awoke to a text from him this morning that read “I am here at work. I hope we can figure out how to be us again. I love u and know u love me. Am just tired of feeling lonely all the time. Have a good day.”

Now I do not know where this came from or why he sent it and I really do not know how I feel about it at all, but maybe, just maybe I was ready to throw in the towel too soon. Tonight, I am going to be positive and see where that goes. Not too much a goal, but its all I have the energy for today. Let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Day 6: Nov 6, 2011

Well after a long day on Day 5, as ugly as it may seem I simply can not bring myself to put forth the effort that is needed to try to "mend" this relationship today and apparently neither can he. We are doing our own thing today. I am headed to soccer with my oldest and he is headed to his parents with our youngest. Its not at all how i saw this weekend going, but hey at least I will have some peace of mind today.

As I sit at the soccer field and watch my oldest score a goal (YAY!!) I begin to wonder why I continue to try to make this work. Are relationships really this hard? What happened to the love I see in the movies? If this were a movie, wouldn't he have surprised me by actually showing up at the game.. refusing to let yesterdays fight drag out!

At 34 yr old I am coming to realize that there is no fairy tale. Life is a roller coaster and sometimes people fall off. Today I think I best sit out the ride, for with my luck today at the top of the hill I would be sent flying out of my seat. Maybe tomorrow I will try again, maybe I won't... I honestly do not know at this point. Today I am going to focus on celebrating with my oldest.. he got a goal AND a head butt in the game.

Tonight we will cook his all time favorite dinner--- SHEPPARDS PIE! So Day 6: Do something he enjoys with him = CANCELED.

Day 5: Nov 5, 2011

The goal today is to let him be in charge. The thing is today is going to be a long day. We have to be at a soccer game by 8am, an hour away from the house. It is FREEZING outside and I am not a morning person. NOTHING about me is feeling positive or happy or loving today and to top it off I started my period last night. (and remember, on top of today’s goal I am determined to also be positive!)—OH my what was I thinking—oh well here goes. We somehow make it all up and out on time, the ride there is kinda quiet. I find myself biting my tongue to not bark out the orders for the day. Each time he asks something about today’s plan I say “I am not sure, what do you think?” This is extremely hard; I am the scheduler of this family. I plan everything. To add to the weirdness, I decide to try to hold his hand as we drive down the interstate, its almost funny, his reaction. He looks at me like he is shocked that I have grabbed his hand. The moment is awkward and only lasts a few seconds before I find myself pulling back. BUT hey it was a touch. I then put my hand on his hand and just let it rest there, this is much more comfortable, baby steps are most certainly needed here. By lunch time the day is going pretty good. We survive the early morning game and even enjoy a family lunch, with no arguments. He manages to pick a place that we all enjoy. At lunch he mentions the local museum and the kids get excited. Then it starts to crumble. It seems we had decided to go to the museum and yet my husband now has decided (alone and in private) he wants to hurry home to go to his parents. The youngest starts crying and that leads to an argument. The situation goes from bad, to worst. I will save you all of the fighting details, but we end up at the museum as planned. Needless to say, NOT without tons of ugliness being said… I have no desire to touch him anymore or to be nice. My plan for today has been spoiled—I failed. I will simply have to decide IF I want to try again tomorrow. 

Once I get home I retreat to rethink about today and wonder how it could have been handled differently. It is so hard with kids involved. This relationship is no longer about just me and him. Yet to make it work, right now, I have to focus on me and him. I wonder if it can be fixed….. I wonder IF I want to fix it. I know I should want to, but what if I don’t. I went to bed with a lot on my mind. …….

Day 4: Nov 4, 2011

Today I am going to touch my husband as much as possible and see if this gets any response from him. I start by making it a point to brush by him, to touch his arm as I talk to him, … its funny because touching your spouse should not be this hard.. but I find it awkward and difficult. But as weird as it may be for me and for him, I continue. The evening is spent at home with the kids. I find him giving me looks as if he is trying to figure out what is going on with me. I just smile and try to act like my touches are completely natural (because after all, they SHOULD be, right?) We all go to be early and I honestly see no changes. I will try to carry the touch over into tomorrow’s goal: Let him be in charge.