Decisions.......

I have not signed in in a few days out of pure confusion. I have been trying so hard to save this marriage and now i sit here wondering why. I got to be honest with you guys and myself and take a little time to step back and figure out if this is worth the effort.
I do love my husband (well the man i married all those years ago) but the last 3 to 4 years have been rough for us. We have both done and said things to each other that continue to linger in my head (and heart). I keep thinking I am ready to forgive him and him me... but then it never seems to fail in a fight the past is brought up over and over again.
In the past few weeks I have tried to be positive but I keep finding things about him that I hate! He now cusses like a sailor and does this even infront of (and toward) our kids. He spends his days off sleeping the day away (is NO help around the house), he spends money (that we do not have) on stupid stuff with no consideration of whether the bills are paid or not, his temper is out of control- its like walking on eggshells all the time when with him. This is NOT the man I married.

So I am going to take a few days off from the 30 days- i have some decisions to make.

Day 6: Nov 6, 2011

Well after a long day on Day 5, as ugly as it may seem I simply can not bring myself to put forth the effort that is needed to try to "mend" this relationship today and apparently neither can he. We are doing our own thing today. I am headed to soccer with my oldest and he is headed to his parents with our youngest. Its not at all how i saw this weekend going, but hey at least I will have some peace of mind today.

As I sit at the soccer field and watch my oldest score a goal (YAY!!) I begin to wonder why I continue to try to make this work. Are relationships really this hard? What happened to the love I see in the movies? If this were a movie, wouldn't he have surprised me by actually showing up at the game.. refusing to let yesterdays fight drag out!

At 34 yr old I am coming to realize that there is no fairy tale. Life is a roller coaster and sometimes people fall off. Today I think I best sit out the ride, for with my luck today at the top of the hill I would be sent flying out of my seat. Maybe tomorrow I will try again, maybe I won't... I honestly do not know at this point. Today I am going to focus on celebrating with my oldest.. he got a goal AND a head butt in the game.

Tonight we will cook his all time favorite dinner--- SHEPPARDS PIE! So Day 6: Do something he enjoys with him = CANCELED.